I want to be the inspirer.

I like really inspiring people. Reading things other people have honestly come up with and not just stolen off someone else. I want to be the inspirer not the inspired.
Although I suppose you gotta be a bit of both.
I like learning about things, new things, not neccassarily accedemic stuff. Maths and science don't intrest me. But I like learning about life and studying how we all live.
I like hearing things that I haven't heard before, that add a new thought to my head that I've never thought before. I like the thought of my mind slowly getting bigger and more open and welcoming to new things.
But I don't like people telling me thing's I've already heard.
I mean, like "facts"
not the sort that's like
" a fish has gills." (yes, a well known fact but hey ho.)
but the sort that's like
"you need to do well at your exams."
or
"it's important that you do well in your education so then you're set up for the rest of your life."

That's not fact. Well, I suppose you could say it is. But it's more like guidelines. One's I'd prefer not to follow. I mean, okay so I do want to do good at my exams. But after hearing things like this,
it makes me want to do awful. Stupid really.
"It's my life" and all.
But life doesn't revolve arounds school and getting a good education or good grades. And if it does, it sound's like a pretty poor life to me.
Without getting good grades,
you don't get a good job,
which means you don't get good money,
so you don't get all the stuff you "want" or "need."


Without money you can't get anywhere.
Well, if I donated all my money to charity right now, and sold everything I owned and gave away that money too. I could easily get to the next field and start a fresh. A little camp. My own way of living.

I wonder how long it'd be until someone would take me away from the field?

Well, they can't take away me. They can physically, but not mentally and not in the way that I can just pick myself up and start again. These things, grades, possessions, won't make you a person.
Here's something else that's been told a thousand and one times:
"it's on the inside that counts"
It does, but no one chooses to do anything with it.
When you can see into someone and see how beautiful they are, what do you do with it?
Store some kind of mental respect for them?
Well, I don't want to see someone for who they are. I just want to be able to get out of this cliche where everyone "live's life to the full" because it's not true. Not realistic.
You go to school, you get a good grade, you get a good job, you get good money, you get good stuff and you might be able to see a person for a person.
But still, none of this makes you a person.
So no, not until you can see you for you are you able to live your life to the fullest.
Until you can demolish the fear and knock down this barrier that we all hide behind.
Get shitty grades, don't get a job, have no money, no possessions, stop being able to judge other people, and be able to judge yourself.
I suppose that isn't really living either.
But what is?
Whats a middle way to how things are to how ^ that is?

Understanding that these things don't make us who we are and don't dominate our lives.
We obviously need good grades etc in order to get a fairly good deal in life, but we need to understand not to let this take over.
To not be able to look at someone and how beautiful they are for their appearence, for what they've achieved and so you gain respect for them, no.
I'm not going to tell you what we should do.

Because that make's me just the negative to the positive, the true to the false, the fact to the opinion.

Or vice versa.

All I know, is that we should be happy with what we've already got

instead of getting a Grade A or alternatively a Grade U

or owning a big house in comparison to a small one

Money doesn't grow on trees, and neither does happiness.

You have to work at being happy the way you would working for money.
Maybe one day you'll realise that you can't have both

in a realistic world.

Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack.

Saturday was a pretty good day, actually.
Had a great long lie in and then got my act together and ventured to Poynton to meet Hannah.
Went back to her house to get ready and do ourselves up (in a casual way) and then hiked our way to the bird estate to Tom's party.
Pretty good night, shame I can't really remember what I did in the last hour and a half. I've been told quite a few stories but that doesn't really matter. I sat in an empty bathtub, watching a stranger throw up into the toilet and talked to her boyfriend, managed to cut open my knee on nothing and made "new bestfriends" that I don't know the names of.
Then got a lift back to Katys house and was sick a few times until fell into a good nights sleep.
It's weird that I actually had a good night's sleep and that I awoke at 9am, perfectly fine.
Other than my face, face was a bit of a mess. However, I did it all back up and got ready whilst Katy and Charlotte were still asleep.
After, Charlotte got picked up and me and Katy watched the disney channel for a while until I went to meet Tom by the cobbles at the end of her road.
Had a really good day with Tom :) Spent about 6 hours just attacking each other. And watching a film -(The Princess and The Frog, the new one :D ) whilst he fell asleep.
Until my train rolled up at 7:03 and it was time for me to go home :(
Which I hadn't been to in over 24 hours.

Monday was an unusual day. Sunday night I had heard murmurs and the slamming of doors from downstairs whilst I lay in bed. I was right in my assumptions. No, it wasn't a huge argument, which is why my mother wonders how I guessed the predicament.
My mum and Mark are splitting up. Mark's moving out.
I knew it, before my mum even told me.
They never argue, well, rarely. They actually seem pretty perfect together.
But it's him who is leaving my Mum, and that's that.
I went through a whole school day under this assumption, having been told by neither of them. My mum hadn't been crying but looked like she was broken in the morning. She told me she hadn't slept all night, and she ran to the sink because she thought she was going to be sick. She told me she just felt a bit ill.
I left for school still under the assumtion of mum and Mark breaking up , regardless that Mum told me she was a bit ill, she can't lie to me.
I got off the bus and mum was waiting patiently in the car, looking dredful, but no sign of tears. We didn't exachange much conversation until we got home, where she finally broke into tears and told me her and Mark were breaking up.
We chatted in the kitchen, me sitting on the kitchen counter and mum at the little breakfast bar, a cup of tea each (that we re-heated in the microwave,) and talked about life and the next steps.
I look up to my mum in so many ways. She think's she's let me down, or that she's dissapointed me. She hasn't done either. She's the perfect role model for me and I love her no matter how much we've fallen out this year. Even though I had to go and live with my dad for a short while.
She told me that around this time last year, Mark had said he was leaving then too. And that insecurity never went away all year, which answers to why me and Mum hadn't been getting on lately as she's been so confused and unsure about things.
Well, now it's just me and my mum. The way it always turns out. I hope she find's someone worth while this time, she deserves it so much. She works so so so hard. It's going to be weird going back to my blood family, well, not weird, but not including Mark's family as mine anymore. But I'm kinda used to it. It doesn't get easier, but I know how to handle it.
My dad's girlfriends and their families, my mum's boyfriends and their families... Not that this is neccasarily a bad thing, and I don't want my mum and dad to regret or feel upset that I'm this way. I'm not bothered to say goodbye to another family, because a new one could be just round the corner.
The one that really matters is your own family. Blood family I suppose.
But I wish Mark's family the very best for the future and it would have been nice to be apart of their lives still, but, life goes on. :)

I wrote my mum's cousin (Elizabeth) a letter too. We write letters to each other, which is weird, you would have thought in this day and age we could at least email each other.
But Elizabeth is a bit behind on these. She has some kind of brain disorder, she doesn't take insults and doesn't give them. She has a heart of gold and she is huge. In the nicest possible way. I love her to pieces, but she doesn't take care of herself.
Her mum died at 6 years old , her mum was my grandma's sister, so my Grandma adopted her niece Liz until she was old enough for Liz to move back with her dad - (her dad wasn't fit enought to take care of her after her mums death.)
Sometime last year her dad also passed away. She get's lonely so she writes me. I can tell her anything really, and I don't have to use big words and I can keep things simple and my feelings don't have to be deep or well described for her to understand what I'm saying.
In her letter she sent me a picture of herself that I can put up on my wall. She lives quite far away (Sheffield) but I've met her quite a few times when I was younger , when she was able to get to my Grandma's house in Glossop.
I think my mum misses living in Glossop. I was born in Macclesfield because this is my dad's hometown, and my mum ended up staying here for the sake of it being easier for me and my dad to stay in touch.

My mum's talking about moving away for a few months, and "trying it out" , Australia, Spain, "anywhere."
I don't want to, and I can't anyway because of exams.

Life's such a weird thing.

I wonder if we'll ever figure out it's purpose, because this certainly isn't 'living.'

This is what I'm going to start doing.

I really like this idea:]